my biggest fear
I know this fear all too well…
Awe: “an experience of such perceptual vastness you literally have to reconfigure your mental models of the world to assimilate it.”
So I think a lot about the contrast between banality and wonder,
between disengagement and radiant ecstasy,
between being unaffected by the here and now,
…Because it is when we accept those things, that I think we are able to truly work on them….
I just decided, after much reflection, that I wanted to take a break from some of the (sometimes) over-used media in my life. Tumblr isn’t going anywhere, but I deactivated my Facebook account…again. I find myself caring more about what is going on there then outside my own door. Or hell…even with myself.
So much has happened as of late, I think I just want to get back to me. I feel very alone lately. Very confused. Angry, even. At myself, at my parents, and some of the people around me.
I’m thinking about going back to therapy, as it seemed to help quite a bit the last time (1 to 2 years ago). I had a stronger sense of myself and more of an understanding for some of the things that have happened in my life. I had more confidence because of this. Because I felt stronger. I was stronger.
I want to get back to that place where I know I don’t need someone else to feel complete. But rather, want someone else to be complete with. There is someone. Someone who holds a very special place in my heart. Someone who holds my heart, but may not know it. For everything we have been through…
I suppose this is my love letter to myself. A reminder that if I don’t love myself, who else will? And a reminder that I have so much to offer and so much to gain.
Shell of my former self….
Why did you wait until now to tell me you fell in love with me?
Why did you wait until now to share your words to Sean?
It feels more like a knife inserted into a wound, than a proclamation of something amazing. Because it is all past tense.
It’s knowing 11 months too late, that I had everything I wanted. And 11 months too late, that I have lost it all…